a song for Twilight

We have no image
We're just called the good friends
We call the madmen back
As they fly to the ant hills
We never know, we never know
We sleep in satin nights
Throwing energy like bluebirds
In twilight

We call to stillness
As we kiss the water king's hand
We hear the one same name
As the darker the land gets
We never know, we never know
We're fueling for the light
Cascading like the rain
In twilight

Waiting for you, you look so close, we walk
a thousand stairs
Aching for your hand, our love a distant
voice, we have no image - we are light

We are not asking
No favors from the dead
We wash with moonlit hands
On the shores of our island
We never know, we never know
We sleep in satin nights
Throwing energy in silver curves
In twilight












Cascade lyrics by Peter Murphy

in loving memory

for two years, a month and a day, she physically belonged to me. her spirit will be in my heart forever.

realization

If I felt responsible before, boy do I feel responsible now. We gave Cleo up over an aggression issue. What did we think was going to happen at the shelter? Yeah, on Animal Planet on those TV shows they make shelters look all nice and caring and they show them attempting to rehabilitate animals and stuff before they decide definitely to euthanize them but this is real life where space is a major concern and they don't make time for pets they think will end up hurting someone and costing them a lawsuit. It's just not in their best interest to fuck with it. If I really wanted her to find another happy home, I should have tried to find her a home independently. We were stupid. We had to lie to the place we brought her to about why we were surrendering her because we didn't want them to know she was aggressive. What, did we think they weren't going to figure it out? Did we think she was going to be better there than she was in familiar surroundings with people she loved? The first mistake was taking her anywhere.

One thing was brought to my attention that does console me to some extent, other than the fact we were apparently stupid and not thinking straight about what would happen to Cleo (even though no where is it specifically stated that they will euthanize an animal at the drop of a hat and not even give you a chance, as the owner, to change your mind and come back for it, they're supposed to be a place to find pets new loving homes)is that apparently Cleo's behavior was indicative of a small stroke. Brad's mom called him last night at work and when he told her what happened, she said while she was in nursing school, they studied animal illnesses as practice, I guess, and that she learned when animals "turn" on those they love or become unduly aggressive it's because something has really gone wrong in their brain, like a stroke and that there's really no returning from that. And before I heard that, I talked to Cindy for a long time on the phone last night and she said that patched tabby cats and calico cats had a tendency to snap and act different than other cats, that they could get pretty wild. So, now we're thinkin maybe, because she was a patched tabby, she may have been more prone to strokes like I guess animals who are prone to turning on their owners as a result of a genetic tendency towards strokes (like Rottweilers) are. According to Brad's mom, she would have eventually gotten so bad she would have been the cat equivalent to a human vegetable and would have to have been put down anyway. I don't know that this is the case, but if she was suffering like that, maybe it was for the best. I knew I should have taken her to the vet cos I was pretty sure it was something medical and maybe they could keep her for a couple of days to figure things out. If we had done things that way and she had to be put down, at least we would have been caring for her and not giving her up.

I don't know how to feel better about this, or even if I want to. I feel like I don't deserve to. But then here's Twilight who obviously disagrees. She just came to me to love on me. She's my second chance I guess. She seems to believe I'm a good person - a good mom. Maybe I can prove her right. I gotta find a way to go on...

gain & loss part II

Well, Brad agreed last night that we would call and, if Cleo was still at the shelter, we were gonna pay and get her out today. He proved he really does care about me and that he really cared about Cleo. It took no argument or convincing. He's been super good and compassionate to me all week and he knew what a wreck I had been and I knew he regretted giving her up too. I talked to the shelter first thing and got disturbing news. They euthanized Cleo. Apparently her temperament was so that they decided they couldn't adopt her out and she was under a lot of stress so they killed my baby. Brad said she probably hurt somebody, like another cat. We're thinkin maybe she had something wrong in her head that was getting worse. Even so, I hate them for taking her life and I feel like we're partially responsible and that feels like absolute shit. I haven't felt this bad since my beloved Pappaw died.

Brad wanted to go to a shelter and look at other cats because he thought it might give us hope and also cos I said if we got another cat that I'd want to rescue one from a shelter. We definitely weren't going to go where they killed my baby and give them any support so we ended up going like over 20 miles away to a shelter called PAWS in Middletown. I didn't think I was gonna bring one home today but, one ended up coming home with us. She was already named and we're keeping her name cos it's a good one. Her name is Twilight and she looks different than any cat I've ever had... except her face shape and eyes look almost identical to Cleo. I miss her, I'll always miss her and I'm destroyed in how it all went down with her but I'm going to try to focus on the positive things happening now and I hope Twilight will help me through. She's not a replacement but she seems like she'll fit in well. I just don't even know how I'm supposed to deal with what happened with Cleo. I can't believe she's gone forever and that we brought her to the place that ended her. They didn't even give her a full week. From the sound of it, they probably didn't even give her a day. How do I deal with that? I feel like I killed my baby. I don't even know how this new cat can like me even though she seems to love me. She seems to love both of us very much already. I guess that means we're not really monsters if she has a good feeling about us. Sabbath isn't ready for her, but he'll adjust. He's understandably terrified.

I feel so bad about Cleo and I don't know how that's ever supposed to get better. I'm just hoping with time, even though I'd never wanna forget her, that I'll be able to at least put this far in the back of my mind.

I'm so sorry Cleo. I will always love you and I hope you realize, wherever you are, that I didn't want this fate for you and I didn't know it was going to go down this way. I will never forget you and I'll love you forever in my heart. Please forgive me, babygirl. I should have let your dad go and take Sabbath with him. I should have picked you...

home is where the hell is

Me: is it wrong to pick an animal over another animal or even over a person?
Mom: what are you talking about?
Mom: cleo?
Me: I want to bring Cleo home where she belongs
Me: she belongs with me
Me: I can't even look at Sabbath now
Mom: well she was yours furst
Me: I won't let him near me and that's cruel to him
Mom: first
Me: and Brad's gonna notice that
Me: and i'm tired of pretending I'm ok when I'm kinda mental since she's been gone
Mom: you won't let Brad near you?
Me: and if he needs to take Sabbath to his brother's like he did offer when we were making the decision, so be it
Me: no Sabbath
Mom: tell him how you feel
Mom: tell him cleo was there first
Me: I promised I wouldn't resent him and Sabbath but I didn't know what I saying
Mom: well thast a good solution
Me: she's more than just a kitty to me
Mom: take his cat over to his brother
Me: she's my only real friend that provides unconditional love
Mom: I'm your friend
Me: and Sabbath's just a constant reminder
Me: well, she's - well, you know
Me: like Rusti is to you
Me: it's not fair
Mom: yes i understand
Me: I don't think i can live without her
Mom: well go get her
Me: it sounds sick but I think I could live without Brad better than I could live without her
Mom: me too
Me: she may have turned against them, but she's turned me against both of them too
Mom: but you know dogs and cats have shorter lives than humans
Mom: I miss Mindy still
Me: but she was supposed to spend that short life with me
Me: not some stranger
Mom: is she still up there
Me: she picked me, I didn't really pick her
Me: she should be, it's just been a few days
Mom: well go get her
Me: every day is worse than the previous one for me
Me: How do I tell him with his new job and all that I'm...
Mom: and have Brad take his cat this weekend to his brothers
Mom: tell him its making you physically ill
Mom: not to have her with you
Me: it's making me psychotic
Mom: he should understand
Me: uncontrollable fits of rage, mainly in the car which is unsafe
Me: shorter fuse than ever
Me: I cry whenever I'm alone, even when I go to the bathroom
Mom: u should be telling him about this not me
Me: I know
Me: I should let him have it
Mom: if he cares about you he'll let you go and get her back
Me: you and evryone at work are right
Me: even though I said I'd give it a week
Mom: well is he at work tonight?
Me: if i still felt this way, I'd just tell him to leave and that I was gonna get my baby back
Me: yeah, he's at work right now
Mom: the new job?
Me: yep
Mom: what time does he get home
Me: started yesterday
Me: 10ish
Mom: tell him your going to go get her tomorrow
Me: I think he needs to know I now pretty much hate Sabbath
Mom: how late are they open tonight
Me: I know it's not his fault but- in a way everything is his fault
Me: till 1
Me: maybe if he knows how i feel about Sabbath, he'll make the decision himself
Me: I just want my baby back where she belongs
Mom: well if you don't tell him I will you need to have Cleo back
Me: I'm gonna handle this but I can't go get her tomorrow even if I wanted to cos I have to work all day... well, and it's Saturday
Me: so i really can't do anything till next weekanyway
Mom: are they open on Sunday
Me: no
Mom: does brad work all weekend too
Me: I think so, why?
Mom: I was wondering if her could go and get Cleo
Mom: but if their closed on Sun
Mom: he
Me: can't happen during the weekend
Me: I've written down all my thoughts
Me: so I could really express myself well about the situation
Me: cos that's why i can never win an argument, I can't say what I'm really thinking and feeling very well without just exploding and saying ridiculous things
Mom: well I'd tell him tonight
Mom: if your this upset about it waiting is just going to make it worse
Me: I'll do my best to express myself as quick as I can
Me: I'm actually kinda banking on that
Me: it being worse
Me: he's asked me several times if I'm ok
Me: like mentally cos I guess I forget where i am all the time and act like I'm out of it all the time
Mom: I'm sure he'll understand its making you so upset u can't think straight
Me: I just need to find a good way to bring it up - an opener if you will
Me: I'm still collecting my thoughts
Mom: just be honest
Mom: sit him down and tell him whats on your mind
Me: I'm so nonconfrontational
Mom: tell him its killing you not to have Cleo at home
Me: damn my Libraness
Mom: need a popcicle habg on
Mom: hang
Mom: k
Me: I keot that thing in Layaway
Me: I figure $30 a week for 8 weeks, I can get it on my own
Mom: hang phone
Mom: it will be awhile
Me: what will?
Mom: on the phone
Me: oh
Me: well, I found a ghost show, so I guess I'm gonna distract myself with that for a while
Me: I expect to have Cleo home within a week no mater what
Me: I'll keep you posted
Mom: k
Mom: love you
Me: love you too

messages to Mom

Me: I think i found someone who wants Cleo. her name's Jodi, I work with her. I haven't asked if I could visit yet but she seems really interested. I'm supposed to take her pictures of her tomorrow with the info from the place written on the back.
Me: I do have more good news. Dwight took me in his office today and told me next pay perioid I would finally have full time status. it's a long story how that happened. and also on a lighter note, I decided what i want for my b-day from you. I already put it in layaway and I'll pay half if you pay the other half. it's a PSP. I'll buy the games. will that be ok?
Me: message me sometime

gain & loss

I've got good news and really bad bad news. Brad is changing jobs to a better place, that's the good news. The bad news is that my baby kitty girl Cleo turned on us and we had to give her up. I'll never forget her and I'll always love her. She was my baby for two years and a month. I hope she doesn't think different of me because I had to give her away. We'll miss her so much... I don't know what more I can say about it... for now at least.