gain & loss part II

Well, Brad agreed last night that we would call and, if Cleo was still at the shelter, we were gonna pay and get her out today. He proved he really does care about me and that he really cared about Cleo. It took no argument or convincing. He's been super good and compassionate to me all week and he knew what a wreck I had been and I knew he regretted giving her up too. I talked to the shelter first thing and got disturbing news. They euthanized Cleo. Apparently her temperament was so that they decided they couldn't adopt her out and she was under a lot of stress so they killed my baby. Brad said she probably hurt somebody, like another cat. We're thinkin maybe she had something wrong in her head that was getting worse. Even so, I hate them for taking her life and I feel like we're partially responsible and that feels like absolute shit. I haven't felt this bad since my beloved Pappaw died.

Brad wanted to go to a shelter and look at other cats because he thought it might give us hope and also cos I said if we got another cat that I'd want to rescue one from a shelter. We definitely weren't going to go where they killed my baby and give them any support so we ended up going like over 20 miles away to a shelter called PAWS in Middletown. I didn't think I was gonna bring one home today but, one ended up coming home with us. She was already named and we're keeping her name cos it's a good one. Her name is Twilight and she looks different than any cat I've ever had... except her face shape and eyes look almost identical to Cleo. I miss her, I'll always miss her and I'm destroyed in how it all went down with her but I'm going to try to focus on the positive things happening now and I hope Twilight will help me through. She's not a replacement but she seems like she'll fit in well. I just don't even know how I'm supposed to deal with what happened with Cleo. I can't believe she's gone forever and that we brought her to the place that ended her. They didn't even give her a full week. From the sound of it, they probably didn't even give her a day. How do I deal with that? I feel like I killed my baby. I don't even know how this new cat can like me even though she seems to love me. She seems to love both of us very much already. I guess that means we're not really monsters if she has a good feeling about us. Sabbath isn't ready for her, but he'll adjust. He's understandably terrified.

I feel so bad about Cleo and I don't know how that's ever supposed to get better. I'm just hoping with time, even though I'd never wanna forget her, that I'll be able to at least put this far in the back of my mind.

I'm so sorry Cleo. I will always love you and I hope you realize, wherever you are, that I didn't want this fate for you and I didn't know it was going to go down this way. I will never forget you and I'll love you forever in my heart. Please forgive me, babygirl. I should have let your dad go and take Sabbath with him. I should have picked you...