realization

If I felt responsible before, boy do I feel responsible now. We gave Cleo up over an aggression issue. What did we think was going to happen at the shelter? Yeah, on Animal Planet on those TV shows they make shelters look all nice and caring and they show them attempting to rehabilitate animals and stuff before they decide definitely to euthanize them but this is real life where space is a major concern and they don't make time for pets they think will end up hurting someone and costing them a lawsuit. It's just not in their best interest to fuck with it. If I really wanted her to find another happy home, I should have tried to find her a home independently. We were stupid. We had to lie to the place we brought her to about why we were surrendering her because we didn't want them to know she was aggressive. What, did we think they weren't going to figure it out? Did we think she was going to be better there than she was in familiar surroundings with people she loved? The first mistake was taking her anywhere.

One thing was brought to my attention that does console me to some extent, other than the fact we were apparently stupid and not thinking straight about what would happen to Cleo (even though no where is it specifically stated that they will euthanize an animal at the drop of a hat and not even give you a chance, as the owner, to change your mind and come back for it, they're supposed to be a place to find pets new loving homes)is that apparently Cleo's behavior was indicative of a small stroke. Brad's mom called him last night at work and when he told her what happened, she said while she was in nursing school, they studied animal illnesses as practice, I guess, and that she learned when animals "turn" on those they love or become unduly aggressive it's because something has really gone wrong in their brain, like a stroke and that there's really no returning from that. And before I heard that, I talked to Cindy for a long time on the phone last night and she said that patched tabby cats and calico cats had a tendency to snap and act different than other cats, that they could get pretty wild. So, now we're thinkin maybe, because she was a patched tabby, she may have been more prone to strokes like I guess animals who are prone to turning on their owners as a result of a genetic tendency towards strokes (like Rottweilers) are. According to Brad's mom, she would have eventually gotten so bad she would have been the cat equivalent to a human vegetable and would have to have been put down anyway. I don't know that this is the case, but if she was suffering like that, maybe it was for the best. I knew I should have taken her to the vet cos I was pretty sure it was something medical and maybe they could keep her for a couple of days to figure things out. If we had done things that way and she had to be put down, at least we would have been caring for her and not giving her up.

I don't know how to feel better about this, or even if I want to. I feel like I don't deserve to. But then here's Twilight who obviously disagrees. She just came to me to love on me. She's my second chance I guess. She seems to believe I'm a good person - a good mom. Maybe I can prove her right. I gotta find a way to go on...