adulthood

There are times where I'm amazed at where I am and what I do on a daily basis. When I'm amazed at how together I seem to be at times, even amidst all this chaos and disorder. I look around this apartment at my kitchen and bathroom and responsibility and I just don't know how I even got to a place where these things could be mine. I'm proud of it and I revel in it sometimes.

I had a bad nightmare last night. I should have known it was a nightmare from the first detail but, my dreams have been so vivid lately, I thought it was real. I had a dream we got an eviction notice that said something about a lag in payment and how we were stupid to think we could get away with it for that long. I heard the door open and when I went to look to see who was just barging in our apartment, support manager Steve from work was tacking the notice on our wall, next to the door. That was the detail that should have tipped me off from the beginning that it was a dream. Why would Steve be here putting up a notice from the management of the apartment complex? I really shouldn't worry this much about it. If it was that big of a deal, the manager would have never let me renew my lease to begin with. And I've been over-paying a little on the last payment I make of the month. They get there money, plus a little extra when possible. I think we're ok. I hope we're ok. We've been ok this long. Do I worry too much? I'm always worried, it seems. It's like we can never have enough money to cover things and we're goin to be taking a cut for a while to boot. Not a huge cut, it'll be like what we had a few months ago. And our expenses aren't too bad. I dunno. Time will tell.

All I want is for us to be happy together and to not have to worry about every little thing. I feel like if I don't cover every tiny detail, that's just asking for the unexpected to pop up and fuck up everything we've built so far.

*Bleaarrrrrrrrrgggghhhhhhhh* this is my day off, I shouldn't be thinkin about this shit. I'm gonna chill until I feel it is necessary for me to get up and take care of something.

Peace outside x